Take All of My Love
by The Mistress of Yaoi
Summary: "Iruka, you don't have to take this from him. Just break it off with him. You don't have to go through this.. This abuse!" He harshly whispered, and I smiled sadly. "You don't understand. I love him. I really love him," I murmured and pulled out of his grasp, leaving the room behind as I headed to my class. This was going to be a long day. KakaIru angst mentions of self harm no sex
1. Take It All

Authoress Note: I DO NOT OWN NARUTO OR THE SONG USED. THE SONG IS TAKE IT ALL BY ADELE. I WISH I OWNED BOTH BUT SADLY I DO NOT.  
There will indeed be a second part to this. It is in the making. I might finish it tonight and post tomorrow. Maybe. I have much to do tomorrow for my YouTube channel, as it is my last day of winter break. Please R&R? Enjoy~

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-  
Kakashi zipped up his black ANBU uniform pants and walked out of my room, pulling his matching ANBU shirt on in the process. It was always the same. He always came over to my house for tea until it took a darker, less innocent turn.  
I stared up at the ceiling with an uncomfortable burning in my eyes and nose. Something wet rolled across my cheek and trickled down my neck. Oh. Right. I was crying. Again.  
The man I loved was a sarcastic silver-haired male who never put down his orange porno book and covered most of his face all of the time. I had never fallen so in love with someone before; sure, I had high school crushes. Who hasn't had a silly crush at least once in their life? Those minor crushes were nothing compared to my feelings towards Kakashi Hatake.  
I proclaimed my love to the copy-nin two years ago. Since that day, Kakashi would make trips every other day, if not every day, over to my apartment. Said trips seemed innocent at first. We always chatted about how our day had been and such. Generally, I played the part of the happy-all-around sensei when we spoke, never letting on to my deep mental depression. After an hour, or less depending on how "hungry" Kakashi was, he would start to linger closer to me. Before I knew what was happening, he would scoop me up and take me to my bed.  
As soon as Kakashi was satisfied, he would put his clothes back on and leave. Never once did he stay the night or even for an hour after. He never looked me in the eyes. He never said a word, made no sound of pleasure. After such activities, when he was finished I would lay there with a blank look on my face, the blankets resting in my lap. As soon as my apartment door shut, I would cry and cry and cry. Call me what you want, but try having the man you love use you nearly everyday for two years before you even think about calling me a wuss. It makes you feel worthless, like you can't even go on. I've often found myself questioning the quality of my life and if it's worth going on for. When I find myself thinking as such I immediately shake and distract myself with grading papers, cooking or cleaning, much like housework a housewife would do to occupy her time until her lover came home.  
I sat up in bed and winced, tears still pooling in my eyes until they crashed over like a tidal wave. I kneaded my lower back with another wince. He never tries to be gentle. I never mind in the moment, but it's become hard to sit at my desk job because of the constant back pain. It has also become increasingly difficult to lie about the bruises that never seemed to heal, only growing in size each day. There were seemingly permanent hand-marks on my arms where Kakashi would hold to get more leverage.  
Ignoring the jolts of pain rushing up and down my spine, I stood up and stumbled to the shower. In my near-drunken five foot walk to the bathroom, cum slid down from my backside and I cringed from the feeling. That was another thing; Kakashi refused to use a condom or come anywhere but IN me. I think it was a dominance thing. He wanted to "mark" me as his property. But at least I was his.. Right?  
I shook my head and turned the water on cold; cold eased the pain in both my back and my bruised hips and arms. I stepped into the shower and let the ice water run down over my bruises, new and old. I didn't shiver despite the cold; I had become so used to this routine. I tugged my hair down from the knotted ponytail and tried my best to untangle it. After a few frustrating minutes, I sighed and put it back into a messy ponytail, unable to untangle it. Why bother anymore?  
I stepped towards my body wash, arm extended towards it, when suddenly I slipped. I fell face-first and slammed my forehead on the shower floor. I groaned in pain and just laid there, not finding the strength to get back up.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.

Didn't I give it all?  
Tried my best.  
Gave you everything I had, everything and no less.  
Didn't I do it right?  
Did I let you down?  
Maybe you got too used to having me around.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.

I jumped when my alarm clock went off and cringed as the pounding in my head intensified. I hadn't slept at all. Not one minute of sleep. I had stared at the ceiling all night.  
I sat up slowly, as to not anger my headache, and pushed the covers back. I stood up and pulled on black slacks, a light blue dress shirt and a black tie. I pulled my hair into a messy ponytail once more and winced when my hand brushed over my forehead. Great.  
I rushed to the mirror and flinched. The top left of my forehead was deep purple and a bump had formed. My neck had bruises on it from Kakashi's roughness the previous day. My back was still throbbing, though that wasn't anything new to me. I grabbed my bottle of strong pain medicine and took two, twice the amount I should have taken. I sighed heavily. I wouldn't be able to hide my bruises.  
When I arrived at school, after promptly skipping breakfast for the trillionth day in a row, I felt their eyes on me, or more specifically my bruises. Teachers and students alike stared at me like I was some foreign creature from another planet. I ducked my head down and practically sprinted into the staff room, collapsing onto the couch inside and burying my face in my hands.  
"Yo, Iruka, how are y- Holy Hell, Iruka! What happened?" My colleague and good friend Yamato asked.  
"Ah, I fell when I was showering," I smiled sheepishly.  
"Iruka, you didn't sleep last night did you?" His voice lowered so only I could hear. "What did that bastard do to you this time? Are those handprints around your neck?" He reached forward to touch them, but I flinched backwards, smacking his hand away.  
"He is not a bastard! Don't you dare call him that!" I nearly yelled. Feeling every staff members' eyes on me, I blushed. "A-ah, gomen everyone." I stood up and headed towards the exit when a hand caught my arm.  
"Iruka, you don't have to take this from him. Just break it off with him. You don't have to go through this.. This abuse!" Yamato harshly whispered, and I smiled sadly.  
"You don't understand. I love him. I really love him," I murmured and pulled out of his grasp, leaving the room and his shocked expression behind as I headed to my class. This was going to be a long day.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.  
But go on and take it.  
Take it all with you.  
Don't look back at this crumbling fool.  
Just take it all with my love.  
Take it all with my love.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.

It wasn't long after I got home from work that a knock on my door startled me from my grading of papers. I had changed into black sweats and a grey tank top when I got home and now regretted it; with this tank top, and these low-riding sweats, you could clearly see every bruise on my body.  
I found my way out of the maze of papers and to the door. I opened it and blinked slowly. Kakashi.  
"Oh, Kakashi, back so soon?" I smiled as convincingly as I could and stepped back so he could enter.  
"Maw, I missed your presence, Iruka-sensei," Kakashi grinned under his face mask. I noticed he never said 'I missed you' but rather 'I missed your presence.'  
"... I'll go make us some tea," I murmured, smile still in place even though my eyes darkened considerably.  
I went to the kitchen and felt his eyes on my ass. Great. We would probably skip most of the small talk and he would use me again. I started the water on the burner and got out two glasses along with my pain pills, once more taking double the normal dosage. I had been so involved in a mental war I hadn't heard Kakashi come up behind me. He wrapped his arms around my waist, causing me to both cringe from the pain in my hips and start slightly.  
"Ne, Iruka-sensei, the tea is ready. Didn't you hear it whistling? Clearly you need a hearing-aid, old man," he joked and I pushed him away for once.  
"I just wasn't paying attention, okay?" I muttered and turned the burner off, pouring the tea.  
"I think you're just getting too old. How did you get that bump on your forehead? Fall in the shower again?" He was smirking under his mask and I stiffened. "Tsk. Silly Iruka-sensei, what have I told you about falling in the shower and making yourself bruise, hm? The shower will always win against you."  
"Shut the hell up, Kakashi!" I snapped and turned away. "Don't act like you actually care about what happens to me, you ass."  
"Maw, I do care, Iru-"  
"Get out," I cut him off. "Just get out."  
"Calm down, I was just j-"  
"I said get out!" I yelled, growing more and more pissed.  
"Fine," he scoffed and disappeared in a puff of smoke.  
I stood there emotionless for a few minutes before I realized what I just did. I rejected him. I pushed Kakashi, the man I love, away from me. What have I done?  
I collapsed on the floor on my knees and began to sob my eyes out, feeling a little numb inside as my tears came almost automatically as a burning sensation took over my heart. What did I just do?

.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.  
Maybe I should leave to help you see nothing gets better than this.  
And this is everything we need.  
So is it over?  
Is this really it?  
You're giving up so easily.  
I though you loved me more than this.

I will change if I must.  
Slow it down and bring it over when it does.  
Oh if only, if only you knew everything I do is for you.

Take it all with my love.  
.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.

Authoress Note: If you are a follower of my ItaSasu stories, you may or may not have noticed that I deleted the two stories, "Free" and "Hanasanaide." I am appalled with my writing skills for those two stories, so yes I deleted them and do not regret it at all. The smut in them was rushed, messy, and inexperienced. I cannot stand it. So I took them down, but I may repost them after much editing has been done, and even then it will not be until June more than likely. School is increasingly difficult this year as I have already dropped two courses (Journalism *the teacher was extremely rude to me and made me cry* and Chemistry *I could not handle how hard this class was and the stress it put on me was endless*). I am sorry if you are disappointed that I deleted them, but as I said I do not regret it one bit.

Thank you for reading. Care to review for me? c:

xoxo

~TMOY


	2. Falling Ill

Authoress Note: I DO NOT OWN NARUTO OR THE SONG USED. The song is "Falling Inside the Black" by Skillet.

I want to die.  
The thought continued in my mind over and over.  
I want to die.  
How long had I been lying in my bed now? Two weeks? Three weeks? Yeah. Three weeks.  
It had been three weeks since I saw Kakashi. Three weeks since I snapped at the copy-nin to get out of my house. Three weeks since my heart had been brutally murdered.  
At first I barely slept, tossing and turning and screaming in what little sleep I received. Now I never seemed to wake up. I laid in my bed and never got up. My phone was ringing constantly, but I had long since turned it off and broke it by throwing it at the wall. I haven't ate in a week and a half after I got violently sick from eating crackers. I was slowly killing myself. It was painful and well deserved.  
The pounding on my door was loud and the yelling of my name woke me from my rare deep slumber but just barely. I heard Yamato's voice and sat up in bed. Maybe I better answer..  
I tugged on a heavy sweatshirt to hide how skinny I had become. I stepped into the bathroom to brush my teeth and quickly pull my hair into a ponytail. Dark bags were tattooed under my eyes, and my skin was so pale my scar seemed to stand out that much more.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:

.:.:.:.  
Tonight I'm so alone  
This sorrow takes a hold  
Don't leave me here so cold  
(Never want to be so cold)

I went to the door, pulling the door open and coughing as I did so. I coughed harshly into my sleeve and looked up.  
"Ah, it's nice to see y-"  
"Oh, cut the shit, Iruka. Where the hell have you been? They're about to dismiss you from your job at the academy! You haven't been there in three weeks! You look awful; what happened?" Yamato reached toward me to get a better look, but I stepped back.  
"I caught a nasty bug. I wouldn't want to get the children sick," I smiled, though the smile faltered before dropping all together. How had I become like this? It had all been so easy... But now I couldn't seem to find the strength to want to live.  
"Iruka, what did he do to you?" He growled in a low tone. I snapped my eyes up to his with a harsh gaze that made him flinch.  
"He did nothing to me. Do not falsely accuse him of something," I hissed and hoped he didn't see the tears forming in my eyes. He saw them despite my efforts.  
"Wait, Iruka, I didn't mean to-"  
"I think you should leave." I shut the door and locked it before he could realize I was about to break down.  
He pounded on the door and yelled my name, but I ignored him and went to my room. I peeled off my clothes and headed into the bathroom. I started up the scolding water and looked at my reflection in the mirror.  
You used to be so different, Kakashi. You used to be so kind and gentle. I really thought you would come back after all this time. I thought you actually liked me.  
In the mirror, my mirrored self stared back. My ribs stuck out prominently, and red ribbons worked their way across my thighs, over my chest and on my wrists.  
How did I become like this?  
I miss how it was before. We could laugh and smile together without a word being said. It was so natural for us.  
I tore my nails down my face, red trails following them close behind, and let out an agonized scream.  
I want to die.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.  
Your touch used to be so kind  
Your touch used to give me life  
I've waited all this time,  
I've wasted so much time

Don't leave me alone  
Cause I barely see at all  
Don't leave me alone, I'm

Falling in the black  
Slipping through the cracks  
Falling to the depths can I ever go back  
Dreaming of the way it used to be  
Can you hear me?

After a few disgusted moments of staring in the mirror, I stepped into the steaming shower, hissing as the burning water made contact with my destroyed flesh. I sat in the tub with my back to the wall and knees pulled to my chest, the hot water pouring down on me. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. I wonder how weak he would think I was if he saw me now. He would he revolted. Kakashi was my everything. He gave me the will to travel on, to push through the harsh times, even when he didn't treat me that great. I knew I would be fired for not giving a valid reason for not showing up. I pushed Yamato away. I lost everything just for Kakashi. All I want is Kakashi.  
Everything went black.

You were my source of strength  
I've traded everything  
That I love for this one thing  
(Stranded in the offering)  
Don't leave me here like this  
Can't hear me scream from the abyss  
And now I wish for you my desire

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-  
I blinked rapidly as I broke out into a harsh coughing fit. I sat up right to find I had fallen asleep in the shower. The water was now ice like I had never felt before, and I quickly reached over to turn it off.  
Tremors racked my body, making me unable to stand without effort. I held onto the counter of the sink and stumbled towards my bed. I was a few feet away when my knees gave out, causing me to land on the ground painfully. I groaned and began coughing again, my face turning red from lack of oxygen. Once the coughing stopped I gasped for air and managed to drag myself over and onto the bed. I was still soaking wet but that didn't matter. I tugged the blankets over myself and continued to cough and shake. I knew I had a high fever, but right now all I could think about was warming up, eyes clenched tightly shut.  
An unseen nin-pug sat lingering in the window, looking at the trembling form that was me. Even at my rank I should have been able to sense his chakra, but I had become so weak. The pug disappeared in a puff of smoke.  
The next thing I knew, I was passed out once more, no doubt from the high fever putting strain on y heart.

A cold hand touched my cheek then my forehead. I moaned in agony and and tried to struggle away. Another hand was placed on my shoulder firmly to stop me from moving. I couldn't open my eyes yet, though I was semi-aware of my surroundings.  
A soft sigh was heard and the hands disappeared as well as the weight that had been on my bed. I groaned again, this time at the thought of being alone once more.  
The bed dipped as someone returned. A cold, wet rag was placed on my forehead gently, and a hand caressed my cheek. Assuming me to still be unconscious, the person spoke quietly:  
"Iruka.. What have you become? This is all my fault. I used and abused you for so long. I ignored your feelings because I couldn't understand how you could love someone like me. I'm.. Unlovable," the voice whispered. It was hard to tell who it was in the quiet and miserable way they spoke, but I knew it was Kakashi. "I wonder if you'll ever be able to forgive me.. For everything I've done to you the past two years.." Kakashi sighed less quietly, I peeked my eyes open, seeing Kakashi now had his back to me. "I know I wouldn't. I'm so disgusted with all the things I did to you.. All the pain I inflicted." His voice broke on the word 'pain.' His tone was filled with self-hatred and conflict. It broke my heart.  
I reached out and put my hand on top of his hand that lay on the bed. He flinched and turned to me, eye looking shocked.  
"K-Kakashi, I-" I was interrupted by my coughing once more, eyes tearing up from the intensity. Kakashi helped me sit up and patted my back, arm wrapped securely around my mid-back to support me. Once the coughs died down I tried to speak again, but he stopped me.  
"Iruka, I am so sorry. Please forgive me. No, I can't possibly ask that. Forgiveness does not come so easily. I don't-" I pressed a kiss to his cloth-covered lips quickly before pulling away.  
"How could I not forgive you, Baka?" I mumbled and took a deep breath, suddenly feeling fatigued again. I pressed a hand to my head, and Kakashi helped me lay back down. I took his hand and pulled him down next to me.  
"Kakashi. I know you didn't mean to do it. You're just not good at expressing how you feel.. But we can fix that together," I smile weakly, my first real smile in months. Kakashi's eye is grim.  
"What if I can't change who I am? I don't want to hurt you ever again."  
"If you ever do something I don't like, I'll tell you. I promise," I murmured, leaning close.  
"I promise to never hurt you," Kakashi whispered back, hand coming up to stroke my reddened face. His other hand came up and tugged his mask down, causing my eyes to widen. He was so.. perfect. I lifted my hand and traced Kakashi's jaw with my shaking fingertips.  
Kakashi leaned forward and brushed his lips to my overheated flesh, kissing every part of my face before settling on my lips. I kissed him back with such ferocity he had to pulls back to stop me. I panted softly and blushed, cradling his face.  
We gazed into each others eyes for a moment to realize that this would be the new beginning for both of us, and I was glad to be able to spend it with him.  
~

Authoress Note: Yes, the ending was VERY rushed and VERY sloppy because I am unable to make good endings to stories. I was considering *CONSIDERING* doing a smut third part to make this into a three-shot... is that a thing? Now it is. Should I just end it with the fluff, or make some lemony smut? Let me know what you think ~

xoxo

~TMOY


End file.
